i think i'm the only one that uses this thing.

i had begun a note earlier today.just talking about not wanting to write and being in a long,dark,night of a moment...a moment where i just wanted to be left alone and where i let god know in no uncertain terms that i had had it.that i was tired of waiting and hoping.that i felt beat up by my circumstances and how'd he'd better come quick.i had felt like this for about two weeks.where saddness kind of got me by the throat.where my hope was somewhere down around my ankles.where i had way more questions than my head could even bear to hold.and a god that wasn't really answering me back.

everyday.for those two weeks.i quietly went about my stuff.being a mom to the kids.a wife to mike.smile here.small talk there.but pretty much everyday when i'd make my way to the shower.i'd cry a river.shoulder shaking.eye swelling.cries out to god about all of the things that i didn't understand and of all the ways i needed him to speak to me.and i couldn't really even read his word.i didn't even really tell mike.it was just me and god and a bunch of grey,rainy days that threatened to gobble me up.

and it's funny.because on those low days.when it seems you are as low as you can possibly get.more dirt gets kicked in your face.and you are completely ready to give up the ghost.

that's where i was.and then i went away for the weekend.with a bunch of amazing women.in a big,old,musty house in ocean city.and i found myself sharing and speaking.in hoping.once more that there was really some purpose in all of the things we have gone through this last year and a half.and so i felt better.i felt as though.all of my fear of displeasing god.or of some sort of divine retribution got swallowed up in this little family of women who had hurts of their own and who were trying just as desperately as i have been-to understand-who we are in christ.and where that leaves me.

and driving home sunday.i guess i had forgotten that it was fall.i had somehow missed the splendor and colors of the foliage.the way that everything looks like memories.my nan's old house.the place where we had our sweet,little wedding reception.the many saturday evenings as a kid at the mill st. pub where we would eat our hamburgers and dream of moving back down the shore.although we never did.there is something about that long drive and autumn that brings it all flooding back to me everytime.and so i came home.loved and hopeful.and holding onto the promise of whatever lie ahead.and i began to type it all out.something inspiring and sweet.that spoke of endurance and patience and the god who loves me more than i can even comprehend.

and it was beginning to be such a nice note...until somehow i deleted it.by accident.and i was completely annoyed,and vowed to come downstairs later and finish it.

and then.my day kind of fell apart.

dumb stuff at first.like bills.and a payment that somehow never got put through.and they apologized.and i lost it.i cried and cried and cried.to a customer service lady on the phone.and she said,"maam.it's ok.you don't have to cry.you aren't late.i can put the payment through for you." and choking on big fat tears,frustration,and humiliation for crying on the phone to a complete stranger,i sobbed back,"you don't understand.you told me it went through two weeks ago.i don't have the money,now.-my husband has been unemployed for over a year and i just don't have the money to pay it now."and she didn't get it."maam-please don't cry.you can still make a payment.".and so i muttered,"nevermind."and hung up and cried the beginning of the flood that i found myself drowning in for the rest of the day.

and then it was the news that mike got a temporary job.it will be a little more than minimum wage. a fraction of what he made before.which was not enough when he was bringing it home,and still required help from our parents.and it will be from 12:00pm to 9:00pm.everyday.which will knock out time together and any time for ministry.and i realize that i should be thrilled that it is something so that we can stop being as much of a burden on everyone around us.and yet this just pretty much hit me between the eyes and i guess i just completely lost it.because with it-came the realization that maybe things are NEVER going to get better.maybe this plan and this purpose that i have been holding onto by my fingertips will never materialize.maybe life will never be the same for us ever,again.

and the grief and the heaviness that held my head under the water for the last couple of weeks pounded me and i just really couldn't get a hold of myself no matter how hard i tried.and i cried so hard i began to feel sick.real grief that i thought had been put to rest awhile ago.and all of the heartache that accompanies it.and i felt.i feel.so defeated.i don't get it.i don't understand any of it.and where i fit.and really what i am supposed to do to even get through it all.

for so long.i just kept waiting and believing for the best.i kept up the mantra that i knew that god had a plan for all of this.i clung to every verse.i held onto every hope.i surrendered and laid down things.i forgave and tried to love,again.but i have to be honest.i don't get this.

we struggled and served in ministry for ten years.we never wanted fame or fortune.we never even asked for a raise.we loved the people we were called to serve and gave every ounce of our lives.our loyalty.our friendship.to two different congregations.we put up with politics and personalities and found ourselves wrapping towels around our waist and washing feet.we never had aspirations of being bigger deals or of being religious superstars.we were just so grateful for the grace and the salvation that had been gifted to us,that we were willing to do whatever we could to see that people understood that they were loved by a merciful and amazing god.and somehow.for whatever reason.we did something that stepped on toes or that put the nails in our coffin.and for whatever reason.it put us out.the worst part being nevertold what we did to cause a church congregation and a pastor to turn on us and treat us as if we were the enemy.

we were disgraced.we were ripped apart.we were lied about.we were darkness.they were light.we were smeared.we were made to feel ashamed.we were abandoned.we were left for dead.i don't know what was said about us.i don't know why it is that our pastor started to talk about us behind our backs.or what wrong thing we could have done that would cause people to pretend like they don't know you when they run into you at target,or who trash you at gatherings,under the guise,that there are"two sides to every story."i don't know how it is that after serving with them.grieving with them.rejoicing with them.and loving them for almost five years.that we could be easily discarded.and with the shunning.ten years of ministry down the tubes because we were given no reccomendation.no referral.and nothing to show for all of our hard work.

i hadn't felt angry about this in-probably a year or so-until today.and i was angry with god.i was angry with how he allowed the curtain of "church"to be pulled back.and not just in what our church did to us.but-church-in general.how i had witnessed so much wrong within it's walls.so many misguided agendas and crooked motives.how the church had become-the man.the buildiing.the program.and so little about the hope.the light.the love of a god that came near and dwelt among us.who couldn't bear the thought of eternity without us and so he got into our skin.and allowed the ugliness and the sin and the selfishness to be heaped upon himself.to be punished once and for all.so that we could have life.and life abundantly.he had allowed me to see how the power of the message of the cross.of christ and christ crucified had somehow been lost in translation.and that we built all of these cold,crazy babels unto ourselves.magnificent,shiny monuments that were as empty as our hearts and how we'd forgotten to ask the holy spirit-if he might just like to take up residence within our walls.i had seen these things first hand.i had seen the poor forsaken.the widow and the orphan forgotten.the broken discarded.the outcast shunned.ironically.because we ended up being most of those things.and so i was angry because i had seen these things.and yet i was given no real direction as to what to do with what i had seen.

i had taken all of this.and had tried to be in myself what i had understood to be lacking.i decided to lay everything out.to allow my work in progress christianity to be out in the open.to be the change i wanted to see in the world and in the church.to love the unlovely.to forgive the unpardonable.to hope when all was hopeless.and it wasn't always easy.and yet it was sweet.to be able to cast it all upon him.just like he said to....always with the understanding though.that morning would come,again.that the sun would rise.that it would all make sense some day.

i stopped looking for vindication.i worked and reworked forgiving those who'd hurt me over and over,again,in my head and in my heart.i looked and found god in everything.the birds in the trees.the tomato plants in my garden.in the big,blue eyes of my six year old.and in the passing away of my beloved friend.i praised him in the midst of losing mike's mom,and counted all joy that she was free and gone forth,again.just like the verse in malachi had promised.i marveled in how his timing was perfect and that he had kept us safe in the shadow of the almighty.how despite feeling left alone by almost everyone.he had not left me on my own to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.he had,in fact,been with me.and with him came joy,and peace,and love that was unspeakable,unfathomable,and undeserved.

i stopped looking for a future.and just trusted in him to feed me by the brook of cherith daily.to keep the roof over our head and our bellies full-one day at a time-and somehow.amazingly.he provided.in so many incredible ways.and i chose to stop looking for the proverbial-christian canned ham"door to open to the next great thing"and allowed myself to just rest and be still.to let him be god.and to allow him to use me on a daily basis.to be christ.or at least try my best to be that to whoever he put in my path.in whatever little way he saw fit.and i was ok with that.even though some days it was admittedly,harder, than others.

but time has been marching on.and the jobs never materlialized.and the burden we have become on my semi retired parents and on our friends around us began to become a noose around our neck.and it was just crazy.job after job.not panning out.begging god for direction.for a sign.for anything.and just waiting.and nothing....and then today.this job.just kind of wallopped me.because it occurred to me that perhaps there was no plan other than to to just somehow not die.or be destroyed.or i don't even know.and i just felt as though my jenga pieced faith came tumbling down around my toes.

here we are.over a year later.still disgraced.still a dirty word to so many people from our past.still with nothing to show after ten years.still with no real prospects.still with so many questions.and a hastily glued together heart that is beginning to show its cracks.still with no pie in the sky.and no plan in place....and it all seems so stinking futile.

abraham waited for almost a lifetime-but he was given the promise of a son.and descendents that outnumbered the stars in the sky.
joseph waited and and endured terrible circumstances but he had been given dreams and visions of what was to become of him.
the children of israel waited and wandered but were given a pillar of fire by night and cloud by day to remind them of the hope that was on its way.
burning bushes.angels visits.prophesies and visions.there was something coming.something to hope for.something to hold onto....
right now.i don't what is that we have left to put before us.to help us stay the course.to eye the prize.
even paul had his damascus that allowed him through persecution and prison to build up churches.send out teachers and write half of the new testament.and so that makes sense.

but.what are we doing besides trying desperately to grab hold to the hem of his garment and be healed.to wash his feet with our tears and our hair.to be known completely for who we are and who we've been-and yet to still be asked to draw him some water as he speaks to us at the well.to hide in our sycamore trees to just catch a glimpse.to dine with him as we bake him a ton of cookies and ziti and whatever pie it is that he likes.to just sit and cry and praise him on the back porch.to honor him as we give the lady in front of us in line fifty cents because she was a little short.to be burdened for a church we left behind and a pastor who we really,truly loved.to listen to those who are brokenhearted.and to love those who feel so alone.

i don't know.
i do know that i am sad.because i realize that we will still be a burden on my family.
that we will still be unable to make ends meet.
that we will still be pariah's to an entire congregation we used to call our community.
and that we won't even really get to spend too much time with eachother as mike works the only job that seems to want him.that the hours he will be working will knock out the possibility of doing the ministry we had been doing up to this point.
that i am still unable to say-why things happened.and what it is he's possibly trying to do through it all.i am still longing to serve him in any way.i am still haunted by the fact that there are so many people that are drowning in hopelesness and despair and i wish that i could just introduce them to the one who understands our sorrows.i see that there are still so many that are hungry.and thirsty.and lonely and abandoned.and there are so many things i wish i could do.

and yet i hold on to the tiny shreds of hope that are left.with both hands.
i press my face deeper into the shoulder of the one who bore all of my
burdens and who washed my sins away.
i still wait and allow god to be who he says he is.
i still allow myself to believe that when he says that he is for me.that he is.that when he says that he loves me.he does.
and that he is pleased with me.he has adopted me..and that i am precious in his sight.i still believe that he holds all of my tommorrows.that he has forgotten my yesterdays.that he is the same as he's always been and will be the same forever.that his mercies are new every morning.and that his plan.that's right...i said it...his PLAN for me is PERFECT.
i guess.just have to let go and allow him to walk me through all of this not knowing as well.

and i may not have the boxtop to the puzzle.i may not get any reprieve from the struggles and the trials of this life.even if he does not deliver us from the fiery furnace.or even if he slays me...will i praise him.because.again.

through my tears.
through my weariness.
through my brokenness.

with very little hope.
with a tiny little promise.
with a tenuous little faith.

i can still say.god.is good.
because he is.
he is love.
he is peace.
he is mercy.he is good.

and i am his.
i was made in the image of my father.
my name is written on his heart.
my purpose was already laid out for me on calvary.
my promise was already proclaimed on easter morning.
my hope awaits me.when this tired little life is laid to rest.

and somehow.
my god will continue the good work in me
until i am one long obedient response
until my life
is one long joyful praise.
and until.
my sky can be filled with the song of angels-
that belt out.
their
glory to god.in the highest.
in earth and me.
peace.and goodwill.
to all men.
amen.

please pray.that after all of this.i can stand.as ephesians tells me i can.
and that i will not give up.even when i do not know the way.
if he is for me.who can be against me?
to god.be.the glory.