and i sing hallelujah for my poverty

so hey.here i am..having slept half of my day away and now writing the rest of my afternoon into oblivion...i don't really have any direction for this journal entry other than to catch up with my goings on and maybe just to give a shout out to my good friend and redeemer,god.we've had quite a time together,lately...no real mount of transfigurations or elijah's in the whirlwind...but just some sweet time.where he is god and i am loved.and that's something worth writing down,i suppose.

so since i wrote last...i had another great time where my tennessee family came up to see us.an entire summer of getting to see some of my favorite people.i guess i could just end there and say that i am incredibly blessed..but then i would be shortchanging god on all of the amazing ways that he has shown me his face this summer.

it's been a summer that is deserving of a soundtrack.something swoony and sweet.sung by denison or sufjan.with some banjos and organ.a soundtrack to a simple story.told in widescreen at a drivein...or curled up with my beat up old blanket on my sort of stiff couch.one of those grainy movies that have deep colors and clever dialogue.where unknown actors almost make you think that you've known them forever play out my days and nights and are donned in clothes that make you want to become someone new.it was really that nice of a season.with sunny days and killer sunsets.with parades of birds filling my feeders and tomato plants sighing and hunched over with an almost too ripe bounty.the air smelled fresh like freedom and every once in awhile you would catch a waft of oregano,parsley or basil that was always at my fingertips and ready to sweeten my spagetti sauce that was waiting for me on the stove.and just as the birds and the goldfinches introduced themselves to me last summer in the midst of my heartbreak and my tears flowing.this was the summer of butterflies that filled pretty much every where i have been.carrying hope and the promise of new life on their wings.i thought of that the other day.how i really never noticed either of them growing up.i knew birds existed...but i never really took the time to realize that they all have different songs that fill our trees and the air with their worship..and the butterflies were scattered at best in my memories.i guess i had seen more of those on greeting cards and glossy stickers than i had encountered in real life.....but here they are.partly i suppose-because the heartbreak of last year drove me not only outside of myself...but outside of my house.the countless days sitting on the back porch in a crumpled heap.crying out to a god that i wasn't always sure was there...or at least there for me.and then i heard their songs.telling me to trust and to stop worrying.to be still and watch them.to take it all in and let him be who has promised to be.and he was.and it was good.i died to alot of things last year.and came to life to even more...

i remember days where i was in such grief and pain that all i could do was drag myself out to the back porch and cry a river....the salt from the tears mixing with the salt of the perspiration that i always tried to avoid by staying in doors.and it was hot and there wasn't always a reprieve.or answers.and there are still almost as many unanswered questions...and yet in plodding on and holding on.tiny faith.fingertips and shaky knees...in finding god in his word.in hours of prayers and pleading...i began to actually start living moment by moment.and the chaos and the clutter began to be broken down into tiny pieces...and i started to become this little child that maybe didn't get the big huge why's and how come's-but saw the everyday.each minute amazing things that shout from the rooftops that god is here and he is good.in the brokeness and poverty of what i had become.i began to notice the richness and the fullness of my creator.i began to get an understanding of the depths and the heights of his love for me and my swollen eyes and my broken heart.i got to see shades and colors.hear sounds and stillness.touch the hem and feel his,"don't worry-i got you."all around me.and he became flesh and dwelt among me.in the field across the street.in the reds of the daisies and the sweet smell of the wind in july.in my tattered little heart and on the faces of all of his children that i pass along the paths of our journeys.and so the butterflies coming and filling up my pages-were a welcome addition to the layers of this life around me.like a black and white world that is suddenly getting colored in one day and one piece at a time.

and i have begun to live in prayer and praise.we talk for hours.me and god.about blueberry pies and threatening thunder storms.about people that pop into my head and ones that have asked me for intercession.i tell him everything.my hopes and fears.when i think that he's being aloof and when i can barely handle his piles of affection that at times reduce me to happy tears and a swollen heart.i praise him for everything.for just mising the tree i didn't see when i was backing the car up.for my sweet husband who gets handsomer each day i see him.for little kid's belly laughs and tired babies.for vegetable gardens and the beautiful summer that is about to pass on to the middleaged autumn,that will bring in amazings smells and colors of its own.i thank him for the summer of birds and butterflies that remind me that worrying will not add one measure to my life.and i thank him over and over for this last year that made me draw closer to him.that taught me to hug my kids tighter.and that introduced me to an amazing world that screams and shouts his praises.i am so grateful that my spirituality has been debunked and decluttered.that all of the things that i have clung to...the institutions and the babels.the little crooked men behind the curtains of oz,and the comfort of steady paychecks have all been boxed up and put away and the clean lines and simplicity of true love in christ has opened the room up and made it not just look twice the size it was before.but in the process of letting him truly clean house in my heart..i have realized that it has actually grown and expanded his hope,and promise.his love and his life within me.twice it's size and more than i need for myself...so that i have no choice but to invite others in.to taste and see.to banquet and rest in the goodness of the lord.to fill up my rooms.to sleep on my couches.to sit at my table and eat a huge breakfast each morning of the mercy and grace that is ours for the taking.

i can see it.like an eric carle book.me on the back porch.surrounded by an empty sky and all alone against a background of grey.and yet with each page.with each day that has passed,the pages fill with colors and stories.with birds and songs.with butterflies and hope...and the end of the book or the movie with the amazing soundtrack is not so important.it's the vibrancy and the fullness of the story as it goes on and tells about an empty girl being filled up and filled in by the glory of god.a story that goes on as long as he writes it,and one that no doubt will keep me begging for more..of him and his pen.of his love and his words that make my life a story worth being told.

summer of wings and things.
of herbs and spices.
of wind talking
and sun shining.
of hem healing
and hand holding...

the dragon slaying
of times before
give way to
the armorstanding
the word commanding.
the heavens clapping
the heart swaying

god.and me.
on our porch.
as the sun kisses
and the wind watches
birds.butterflies.
i will give.rest
and a moment
to catch your breath

soundtracks and
closeups
forgetting mylines
that you already
speak through.
got me covered.
sweet summer
sweeter god.
hallelujah for my poverty
hallelujah in simplicity.
and again,i say,amen.