for all of you.

my heart feels so heavy right now.i woke up with a song on my lips and a prayer in my heart.i read a letter from my sweet friend sara and then just really began to pray and interceed for all of our friends who are so broken right now.i'm a good pray-er in the fact that i am in conversation with god alot of the time.but not good in how i actually formulate prayers for other people.so my prayers turned into more of a,"oh.abba.bring comfort.oh,abba.bring peace.oh father.surround them with your love."

it's kind of a helpless feeling for me.watching them all go through this completly seemingly pointless tragedy of losing mike.it leaves me feeling like a mom who can only sit by the bedside of a really sick kid.knowing that physically there is nothing i can do.no words i can say.no touch that will take away the pain that could eat them up.i can only watch.and wait.and pray.

my heart misses them so much.and i have been fighting the urge to make an eleven hour drive by myself to just hug and love and feed them cookies.but right now.even if i made the journey.i wouldn't even begin to be able to make it better.

it's that way with grief.and pain.kind of like waves in the ocean.we maybe see it coming.maybe we are completely caught unaware.but it takes us under nonetheless.and our natural urge is to fight.man vesus this crazy thing that is out of our control.and death.and dark days.and despair.are out of our control.and so really.there is only surrender.to let it wash over you.to kind of let it take your breath away.to allow yourself to be drained of pretty much everything.at that moment with no answers.no good to be seen.and neverending dark nights.that only god can sit and share with us.

and it's quiet.

he doesn't spat off plattitudes.or glasses half full nonsense.he just remains.close.and whispers,"i know.i know." because he does.

god who came near.comes so close.even when you feel utterly alone.

and really.there are no answers.why god.why now.

and even the wonderful things that people say,"he's in a better place.
he's been promoted.
it was his time."

doesn't do much for the void.or the all alone-ness.or the little kids without a dad.or the young wife with an empty bed.for the friends who can't sleep.or the hole that his passing creates in all that knew him.

trying to see goodness.and figure out the plan.immediately when these things happen.is part of that whole wave fighting mechanism we do to try to survive these things.
but tell the parents that have had to bury little children.or the widow that has to go on alone.that one day they'll see the good in all of it.or understand the lessons that will be learned.i'm sure they'd rather have the hugs and the kisses over the lessons anyday.

and although i truly believe that god can redeem all things for good.i don't think god works that way.i don't think that god rips people out of our lives to teach us anything.

i think.that we live in a very broken world.that is not our home.that is full of sad things.and terrible diseases.and gut wrenching grief.and along with everyone else.including the one we serve.we go along.and waves crash all around us.and we are not immune to suffering.it may even seem that sorrow follows us at times.unrelenting and breathing on the back of our neck.but neither was he.christ was not spared.at all.

and nothing you can do in your own power.in your strength.can take down the goliaths.not your resolve.or your well groomed theology.nothing.it's those sweat like drops of blood moments when god's silence is almost too heavy a burden to bear.that peace.and healing can begin to ebb and flow.if we cast all of the pain upon him.the way he's always wanted to shoulder it for us in the first place.

only the wave stiller.and storm quieter can keep our hearts above water.with a hope and a joy that not even death can steal from us.

but the tears are allowed to come.john 11:35 shows us that big fat tears rolling down our cheeks are ok.that our questions and our doubts.our fears.and our writhing does nothing to sway his love for us.he just sits and waits.for us to be still.and let him.be god.

and the risen lord with the scarred hands and feet.shows us that we will be forever changed.by the sufferings we have endured.runners who learn to race with prosthetic legs and keep pressing on because our eyes are fixed on better things and a better place.the scars and the missing limbs.somehow amazingly.find the voice to sing his praise that perhaps we have struggled our entire lives to find.the songs that sing of his goodness.because through him.only with him,have we in fact.kept running.

and the hope that drags us out of bed in the morning and gives us the iota of strength to go about the drudgery of our days.does more to bring him glory then maybe any of the glossy things that we've tried to do to prove to him our love.

not giving up.
continuing.
striving.
not losing heart.
not giving up hope.
having faith that holds on by fingertips.
by finding the ability to smile,again.
by continuing to love.
by working towards peace.

his strength not ours.and in times like this.it is really our clarion call.because the weight and the waves.surely should do us in.and yet.somehow.we are still here.

maybe never understanding why.but understanding who.

so.my prayer for all of my loves.
let go.and let god.
to be drained and to be filled.
to cry rivers and then bathe in the streams of mercy.
to let him wipe away the tears and stroke your hair.
like a good father who stays up all night
as we go through the worst of it.

the abba who craves a relationship with his created.the god who understands our sorrows.and who promises that through the darkest moments of our lives.he will never leave us forsaken.

my prayer.my intercession.my hope.my love.

my heart is in tennessee.
and i've said it before.that i have understood paul.and they way that his heart felt like it was going to explode for his friends in the churches.how he longed to be with them.and how each time they were blessed to see one another-it was a gift.

we have always felt this way about our southerners.and i know we always will.

lord.
soothe the ache.
make.yourself.
so incredibly real to my dear friends.
hold them.
heal them.
allow them to feel your comfort.
cover them under your wings.
refuge.
fortress.
and the one who collects their tears.
and sits at their
bedside during the sleepless nights.
father.
husband.friend.
healer.
jehovah rophe.
jehovah nissi.
jehovah jireh.

only you can bring peace.
only you can fill the sky,again,with stars.
and change the grey into
a breathtaking blue.

all and everything.
good.god.
amen.