since leaving

so.what have i been doing with myself since trudging back up to nj?
it's crazy,really,how many things change or maybe.just shift...in the course of a few days.a few hours.minutes,even.heart is heavy.eyes are teary.and then blue skies fill the horizon.birds sing their hearts out.weddings.and babies and cooking pancakes for eleven mid westerners shifts the focus from how much i miss tennessee.from how much of a stranger nj feels to me.and i find myself drifting into moments of happiness and the need to be needed.

it's crazy,really.kind of blank and i don't know what to write today.

my garden is coming along nicely.the weather has been amazing.my backporch is still my eden.i have so much to be thankful for....even if there are so many if's and when's and how in the world's that greet me each morning when i shake off sleep.the fact that as i struggle to search for meaning and purpose.the simplicity of this beautiful world around me-coaxes me to just let go.to smell the flowers.to take in the smells of summer.to be lulled by the songs of it's symphony.
i'm telling you.what a gift that back porch has been.surrounded by such hope.color.basil and sage.daisies and goldfinches.and i get to read and read and read how much god loves me.in elisha.in minor prophets.in the gospels.in the disciples struggles and persecutions.oswald chambers gets me between the eyes.brennan manning shoots me in the heart.and e.h.peterson makes me laugh at just how much i overcomplicate this whole relationship with god.come as a child.love as a child.believe as a child-they say.ask and it will be given.seek and find.on the porch in the summer sun.surrounded by my plants and birds.god himself sees and hears little me.and our time together is splendid.

and last week.when the lonliness and the fear might have threatened to gobble me up.when the reality of no income.and very little prospects may very well have been the monster under my bed..god.funny god.had other plans for me.just when i was getting to the point where i was struggling to find enough food to make the bands for a second show on tuesday.he had all eleven guys from ohio and indiana come home with us,because their next few shows had cancelled and left them with nowhere to go.we had house guests for four days.breakfasts and lunches and dinners.and it was so great.it was awesome to be able to take all of the energy that would have been spent most likely feeling as though that there is not much left for us to do...and i was given so much to do.given the opportunity to bless and minister.to fill bellies,let them get clean and do laundry,and give them a nice place to sleep that is not the cramped seats of their vans in a walmart parking lot somewhere.and it was really nice.sharing god's love.washing feet.allowing god to multiply the loaves and the fishes.jehovah jireh.once,again,my provider.

and as much as i can make you understand.the blessing felt like it was all mine.really.it never felt like work.it felt like ministry.it felt as though i was christ's hands extended.and it was an awesome thing to be used by him to bless others.it was a gift to me.with each meal i made and each dish i washed.christ's heart for his children.his compassion.his mercy.i was actually able to be a part of that.and to bring him glory.and really.how satisfying.how sweet.praying for them and sending them on their way.i realized how lucky i have been.and how amazing he truly is....

and so here i am.waiting still...
for the marching orders.for the burning bush.for the still small voice....for the next band that needs a place to stay.or the next batch of cookies that needs to be baked.and i continue to spend time with him.on the back porch.until his word becomes my life blood.and prayer becomes my breath.until his heart is everyday mine.until i see as he sees.until i speak only the words he needs me to say.second nature salvation.that allows me to look a whole lot like my dad in heaven.until the resemblance is uncanny and undeniable.

and i still miss you all,dear friends...i have come to realize that after spending so much time with you on this last trip...that i have come to understand how to pray for you better.and i find myself in prayer for you quite often.when i hear of struggles and indecision.my heart wants to hop in the car and drive ten hours to the little house on micah lane.to make you cookies and listen for hours into the night about what god is doing in your lives,but i have to settle for back porch intercession.to lay my worries and requests for you at the feet of our abba.who's got your back in this already....

my heart is with all of you.my prayers are always lifted up for you.
and in god's timing.and in his mercy.we will see eachother soon.
and it's such a neat thing.paul and his epistles.barnabas and his hocked field.
acts and the little church that took it's first breaths and changed the world forever....
we are a part of this.
this amazing revolution....
children of god.north,south and even the tourists from ohio.haha.
and i thank god every day.for each.and every one of you.

love you all.
to god be the glory.

-kim d'a